New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
