I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
