Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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