Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
