Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
