That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
