The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
