I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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