i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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