I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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