I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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