I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
