I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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