I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
