Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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