Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
