she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
