I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
