last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize