Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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