I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
