Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
