You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
