Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
