***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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