dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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