Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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