I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
