question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
