i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this beer tastes like vomit already
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You may now shotgun with the bride
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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