I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
