Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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