i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
