I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Banned from zoo.
Again?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
