I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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