i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I have tasted many bathrooms
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
