you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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