I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
