and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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