the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
