I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
