i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The air was thick with penises
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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