I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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