I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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