ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize