guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
