i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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