There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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