there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize