my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
