you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
