A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
