Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The struggles of a small town man whore
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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