My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
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