We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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