I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
