im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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