I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
