I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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