We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
