I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drunk is not a location!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
