Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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