You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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