I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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